Forty Things Jesus Never Said

About a week ago, #ThingsJesusNeverSaid was trending on Twitter. Some of them were mocking the Christian faith while others were quite insightful, enlightening us to the perception that many people have of Jesus and the church as a whole.

While I did find some of the tweets both helpful and humorous, some of which I’ve included, I thought I’d make a list of my own. Here are forty things, some humorous but all serious, that Jesus never said:

  1. If you classify yourself as a Christian on your Facebook profile, then we’re good.
  2. Life will be easier if you follow me.
  3. I’m white.
  4. The church will never hurt you. My followers will be perfect.
  5. I’m Republican.
  6. Mel Gibson could probably tell my life story (R. W. Martin).
  7. Guns are your God-given right.
  8. Love your neighbor as yourself unless they’re gay, liberal, or not U. S. Citizens.
  9. Violence is awesome.
  10. I hate gay people.
  11. America is the greatest country in the world.
  12. The homosexual lifestyle is more of a sin than watching porn, lusting after someone who isn’t your spouse, and sleeping with anyone outside of marriage.
  13. Stand up for and even die for your constitutional rights.
  14. You don’t need church, you just need me.
  15. If you truly love each other, you’re already married in my eyes.
  16. I can only be worshipped through music accompanied solely by an organ even though the church won’t start using it for nearly a thousand years.
  17. I don’t care what you do with your money as long as you give the church 10% of your income first.
  18. This earth doesn’t matter; it is yours to ruin.
  19. Don’t trust science.
  20. FOX news and the Blaze are almost as trustworthy as the Bible.
  21. Don’t listen to secular music or watch rated R movies unless they are about me or war.
  22. Don’t just pray in your closet, live there too. Completely isolate you and your family from anyone who isn’t a Christian.
  23. Your bodies don’t matter. Do with them as you please. Forget a healthy diet, exercise, and sleep pattern.
  24. Going to church makes you a better person.
  25. My conscience forbids me from providing services to homosexual couples.
  26. Only read the King James Version of the bible even though scholars will unanimously agree that it’s a less-accurate and reliable translation.
  27. I only like hymns.
  28. Suits and long dresses are a mandatory church dress code.
  29. It’s okay to do unethical things as long as you don’t think about them (illegal downloads, buying from companies that use slaves to produce the product you’re purchasing, etc)
  30. Before I heal you, I’ll need proof of health insurance.
  31. I can’t come in unless you invite me first. You have to ask me into your heart.
  32. The age of the earth matters.
  33. Shelter (*clears throat*), I mean protect your children from the “secular” world.
  34. Christians verbally attacking each other on social media is the best way to spread a message of grace (Jon Acuff).
  35. Slavery is okay.
  36. Capitalism is the best economic system.
  37. I only help those who help themselves.
  38. Karma! What goes around comes around.
  39. It doesn’t matter how you live anymore.
  40. Obama is the anti-Christ.


  1. 👍👍👍

    I would also add: “It’s ok not to do what I say as long as you add, “It’s ok. Jesus would understand.”


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